By Denise Trull
One of the more interesting “odd jobs” I have had in my life was teaching a Confirmation prep class to a group of seventh and eighth graders. In hindsight I was filled with gratitude, for not only did I prepare these kids for an important and much needed sacrament. I received an unexpected gift in return: a unique education on the beauty and grace found in seemingly ordinary families. Each student had his or her own particular story shaped by a particular family, and I gained some wonderful insights during those few years about love and life. I can only recommend it.
Don’t get me wrong. You will be walking into a sea of insecurity, false bravado, endless chatter, shuffling silence, or that distinctive and studied air of indifference honed to perfection by the fourteen-year-old species. Your questions may fall flat. Crickets may be heard. You may get offhanded comments about your “granny” shirt or a compliment on your glasses. Some days they stare into space, but some days they have a lot to say -- not always about the Sacrament of Confirmation, mind you. Oddly, though, that is exactly where your treasure lies, in these side conversations you may chance to hear. It is worth the wait, because sometimes, on a rare and wonderful evening, you might just be privy to something that brings a tear to your eye, or makes you want to whistle out loud, or believe more fervently in the power of grace.
The most moving moments to me always seemed to revolve around dads. That preening soccer jock who suddenly went soft in the face one night and said, “My dad always works the fish fry. I go with him because I like hanging out with him and his friends. They are really old (they are actually 45), but pretty cool and funny. I want to end up being like them someday.” Who knew? Or this one: “I help my dad at his pizza business after school, so he won’t get so tired. He’s the best cook I know.” “My dad helps me with my math without getting angry.” “My dad didn’t build my Pinewood Derby car for me, but he stood behind me and gave me advice and showed me how to do it. Sometimes I got mad and wished he would just do it for me, but he said I’d be prouder if I built it by myself.”
The most incredible thing I witnessed was a girl of twelve showing me a grinning photo where she and her dad were proudly sitting next to the buck she shot “all on her own” at her first deer hunt. As that picture scrolled on, there she was again with a jackhammer confidently drilling a hole in the cement -- her father looking calmly on as though this were just a normal occurrence. I was intrigued! Whenever she talked about her dad, she smiled from ear to ear.
Mike and daughter
You hear so much about motherhood these days, but not so much about fatherhood — the kind of fatherhood lived in the trenches of daily living. Dads are usually busy just doing life. Always going to work. Mowing lawns. Bear hugging a daughter disappointed by her prom the night before on one side, and flipping a pancake in the air to the admiration of his three-year-old on the other.
Dads tell terrible jokes. They furrow brows over student loan paperwork. They wrestle toddlers into car seats without breaking a sweat. They wear beat up shoes. They learn to braid hair. They hand numerous bags of trash to teens escaping out the back door. They weather tantrums in the grocery store. They soldier through Mass with a booklet in one hand and a baby shoe in the other, wondering what that sticky stuff is on their tie. They break up fights. They wrestle. They won’t let you win at chess — builds character, they say. They dry tears with sympathy, scoop you out a bowl of ice cream, and make you watch the game with them. They bravely hand over daughters to future husbands and probably never get over it. They make you apologize when needed. They are always there, just doing their thing. But what do they think about it all? What drives them? Who inspires them? What do they hold important in their fatherhood? I decided to ask.
I found a few really great dads I know, willing to sit down long enough to answer my questions. There is Adam, father of six, who loves to surf and is a Regional Vice President of a staffing firm. Tony, a history buff who works computers at a bank, and is the father of seven grown and flown children. James, a long time foster father and adopted father to three boys, who works as a goodwill, ecumenical liaison to other religious leaders for our archdiocese. And finally Mike, who works for computer security at AT&T, is the father of eleven children, has a well-honed sense of humor, outstanding patience, and a great confidence in the potential of children.
I had many questions. They had answers, and each one clearly had more to say about some things more than others. Below is our interview.
Trull: What is your top quality in describing fatherhood?
Adam: Fatherhood is finding the right blend of affirmation and accountability, often with each child requiring a different mix.
Tony: I think of it as being a big old bear. Tumbling the cubs a bit; letting them climb on you and “fight” you. Always keeping a watchful eye on the surrounding woods.
James: Being a dad to me is an extension of my call to follow Jesus Christ and love God with all my heart, mind, and strength. My role as a dad is to model God’s love as much as I am able. That modeling happens mostly in small things: going to sporting events, being patient when my kids make messes or teaching them to ride a bike. It also calls me to model to my children a care for the poor and needy whether that is giving to someone panhandling at the stoplight, visiting kids in the hospital, or taking more foster children into our home.
Mike: As a father, my first priority is to convince my children that they are precious in the eyes of God and that they should remember that in everything they do.
Trull: Who most influenced you in your fatherhood? Was there any one quality about your own dad or even a man you admired that you wanted to imitate?
Adam: I’ve always been struck by my dad’s work ethic. Even when I was a young boy, he pushed me and gave me a great example of diligence in duty in the work he did at home and in the example he set by investing time and effort in his business.
Tony: I’m afraid I don’t have a standout, solitary role model. It’s kind of a mish-mash between fictional fathers, such as Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird and Kip’s father in Have Space Suit, Will Travel. St Thomas More is my favorite model of Catholic fatherhood. I was also influenced by several Boy Scout leaders growing up, and by different qualities in both my parents. My mother gave me young-adult books about the evils of Communism and encouraged me to speak my mind in school if teachers didn’t know their stuff. This instilled in me a respect for moral courage. My father encouraged me to see things in variant ways, at different angles, so to speak. He taught me to take an interest in the world of politics, of science, space exploration and different discoveries. Also, my dad took me to a talk by R. Buckminster Fuller when I was a teen -- Buckminster was a thinker who was nothing but thought variants! And I remember that outing in detail now, fifty years later! It has helped me to entertain thoughts my children may have without pouncing on them right away with my own opinion. I have learned to give them space to work things out in their own minds.
Tony and daughter
James: My parents were missionaries with the Southern Baptist Church. I was born in Portugal and spent my early years in Angola, Africa. My father was a non-denominational Christian. My mother was a Holy Spirit filled believer with Pentecostal leanings. Even though I am now a member of the Byzantine Catholic Church, watching my father minister to his people as a child and later as an adult, I know how blessed I am because I had an amazing model for the love of God. When we refer to God as “Father” that term resonates deeply in my heart because of the example of my own father, Nicholas Comninellis. I hope the same will be true of me in my kids’ eyes.
Mike: While there is no doubt my own dad had the biggest influence on my fatherhood, I believe many other men, as in uncles and priests -- helped me grow and learn what might work and what doesn’t. My dad was a man of service. When someone needed wood, work on their home, help moving, or just about anything -- he would go help and of course get me and my brother involved too. He also was a big part of maintaining our local parish, making sure that it was taken care of. Dad wasn’t perfect. He was impatient and had a quick temper, but I learned from that, too. I tried to take what I saw that worked and didn’t work and made sure that wasn’t a part of me going forward.
I had a lot of maturing to do in my own right, which is where others came into my life and supported or challenged me. I could write all day about the individuals who have helped me along the way. God gave me the gift of never backing down from a challenge, which could be for my benefit or detriment (ask my brothers and cousins). If another man challenged me to be a better father, I took it to heart. spiritual reflection is where real growth happens in myself. That allows me to see the good and the bad in my daily life while reflecting on how individuals impact my decisions. I thank all those people who have led me to that kind of reflection.
Trull: What aspects of your Catholic faith have contributed most to your efforts at being a good dad? How do you mirror the faith to your children?
Adam: It’s important to me to try to view all circumstances through the lens of the supernatural, first and foremost in the care for souls. Fatherhood is a conduit to heaven, for me and my kids. So I try to pray daily for my kids and the situations they are working through everyday and I try to be cheerful. At the end of the day, I want my kids to enjoy spending time with me and their mom and each other in our home. If I’m not cheerful in the face of small setbacks or annoyances then it’s hard to give them a pleasant experience of Christian joy. And I don't mean a saccharine, ‘good mood’ that comes and goes, but more of an enduring agreeableness that can be counted on, always pointing, or at least attempting to point, to Christ.
Adam and daughter
Tony: It’s important to pray in front of and with your children. They need to see you on your knees as the first solution to difficulties and questions that may arise in the family. They will often see their mothers do this. But when fathers do it, the example is powerful, especially to boys. This has been my experience. I also think they should be able to talk with you about the faith, which means you need to study it yourself so you can do so intelligently. Never be shocked if they tell you they don’t believe anymore. Just keep the channels open and discuss what they want to discuss. It is good for kids to see that the faith isn’t all just devotional fluff, but can be approached rationally with ready arguments. Some of my best moments as a dad have been discussing with my children.
Trull: Do you view your relationship with your wife as a major factor in being a good father to your children? What do you want your children to see about your married love that will give them a right-thinking about Catholic fatherhood?
Adam: I think the husband and wife relationship is the most important factor in creating a loving and fruitful home where the kids can find their own path towards being a great mother/father and spouse themselves. They need to know that Dad loves Mom, and that my relationship with their mother is my first priority, even above them. I was a husband before being a father and I think making it clear to the kids that Mom comes first is the best way to help them understand their priorities as they grow, both supernatural and temporal.
James: I married a beautiful atheist turned Roman Catholic named Tiffanie, and later became a Byzantine Ruthenian Catholic. My wife and I have been foster parents for about nine years. In that time, we have taken care of 16 children from nine months to 14-years-old. We have adopted three boys and reunited 10 children with their biological family. We chose from the outset to commit our marriage and our family to foster care in response to our own past life experiences and as a specific call from God. It takes a special woman to commit to this daily effort which involves so much pain and loss sometimes. We do this together, and could not do it alone.
James with his family
Tony: My wife was a major contributor to any success I’ve had as a father; I recommend husbands listen to their wives! I admit I did not give much thought to fatherhood proactively as a younger man. It was my wife who pointed out that a husband and father is to be Jesus to his family -- including that self-sacrificial part, i.e. Calvary. That didn’t come up in Pre-Cana classes! And since the idea of home schooling was utterly unknown to me when we were engaged, she was the one who talked me ‘round to it. Something for which I will always thank her. Our children have benefited greatly and in many ways through home schooling.
Trull: As a foster father, James, how do you view your role in your foster kids’ lives?
James: In the Gospel of Matthew Jesus describes what care for the poor and forgotten means to God. “I was hungry and you gave me something to eat. I was thirsty and you gave me to drink. I was a stranger and you invited me in. I needed clothes and you clothed me. I was sick and you looked after me. I was in prison and you came to visit me….Truly I tell you whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did it for Me.”
I welcome God into my home when a new foster child (a stranger) is invited into my home. When I reunite a child with their biological family, I lose a very special relationship but I count this sacrifice as part of my Christian call. I raised our foster daughter, from the age of one until she was six-years-old. I taught her to walk, to talk, to go to the potty, to ride a bike and to read. Then I had to say good-bye. I said good-bye because it was the just and right thing to be done and because Jesus taught us to give up everything in pursuit of what is good, true, and beautiful.
I have lived many parents’ worst nightmares over and over in the last nine years. One of my children has died of a drug overdose. I have spent many hours in hospitals, emergency rooms and especially child psychiatric units. Children I loved have gone back to their biological family and I have never seen them again. I have dealt with numerous behavioral issues resulting in suspensions from school, disruptions in the community, and need for police intervention.
I see my role as a foster dad similar to Christ carrying his cross up to Golgotha. My cross is the love and care of my kids and I hope to carry them to a better place closer to God.
Trull: Mike, you have six girls. What are your thoughts on raising them?
Mike: As a father of six daughters, my first priority is that they be absolutely convinced that they are precious in the eyes of God and that this should affect everything they do. I try to mirror God’s love to them by showing them my service in many little ways, as a father, even when they could do something by themselves. They know then, that I care about them in the particulars of life, which is often more convincing. My other priority involves mental and physical strength. Teaching my daughters that they are capable of incredible feats, but that they will have to take some risks to discover those feats. If they do, it is okay to fail or make mistakes and it doesn’t change who they are. This will help them create a mindset that lets them be authentically female which actually includes a strength that can benefit themselves and others around them. My wife was raised to only pursue “certain” jobs like being a teacher or a nurse. She was consistently discouraged from being a doctor or auditioning for a ballet company, for instance. Much of this was just the times we lived in then. When my girls came along, both my wife and I encouraged them to attempt things...to follow their talents and dreams where they led, whether it be a move to New York City to pursue acting, or to be a pilot, or hunt deer or wield a jackhammer, work in a zoo, or become a photographer. I encouraged them to try things out, even though they might encounter some disappointments. They are all the better and stronger for it. And if their vocation is to motherhood some day, they will be women who know their mind and who have been used to persevering at things -- a most necessary quality for a good marriage and the raising of children.
Mike and daughter
Trull: What advice would you give a young father just starting out?
Adam: Put your wife in the first place, always and forever, and work hard to set the tone for a bright and cheerful home. It's going to be bumpy, but every rough patch can draw you closer to your wife if you think with a mind of service. Fathers exist to serve. Your life is no longer about you!
Tony: Be thankful everyday even during the maddening phases, for those are the “good ole days” and they pass more quickly than you can imagine. Don’t be a helicopter parent. Never hover. It takes a lot of self restraint to watch a kid make mistakes, but that’s how they learn self-confidence in the end. Be more of a geosynchronous satellite parent!
Also, be sensitive to the dynamics of each child in the family and act to balance them all. For example, if younger children seem to withhold their opinions or shut down in the presence of highly verbal older children, make sure to dampen some of the older kids’ verbosity and give the younger kids space to voice their ideas.
Mike: You are a product of those you surround yourself with. Find men of faith and men committed to fatherhood and their families. Support is key. Seek Catholic men’s groups, build community with them, stay focused on the most important things: faith and family. Learn to trust God more and more and yourself less and less. Most importantly, learn the habit of saying you are sorry when it is needed.
Trull: Has your own idea of fatherhood changed over the years as your children have grown older? If so, in what way?
Adam: Yes it has certainly evolved as we have grown older. It starts out as chiefly protective and as they grow it becomes more freedom-based and relational. My relationship with my adult children feels like friendship more than fatherhood because we have come through tough times but with affinity and respect which can now be the basis of a more mature relationship.
Tony: Since my hope in rearing children was that they would grow into independent thinkers, the best thing about being the father of adult children is delighting in their adventures as their interests flower and diverge from my own. The difficult thing about being a father to adult children is that I often can’t make things right. When a toddler falls I can pick him up, hug him and set him back on his feet. When a new college graduate is passed over for a desirable job, or there is disappointment in a break up all I can do is helplessly sympathize. That’s as it should be, but it is always hard.
Trull: What is the most important example of your fatherhood that you want your children to bring out into the world with them?
Adam: Be serious about trying to live a unity of life, being fully Christ-centered in all things. Put prayer in the first place, and try to grow in love each day. It's hard, but that's the goal. Regarding a spouse: First, is that person serious about the Faith? Above everything else? What is his/her prayer life like? Second, is that person your best friend? Can you see him/her being your best friend for 50 years? If so, then your marriage will have a firm foundation.
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In the end, I could have asked all these men so many more questions, but being dads, they have other things to do. I am grateful they have so generously given me their picture of what it is to be a dad within each of their unique circumstances.
My time spent among the teens in my Confirmation class convinced me of one thing: they are watching, they are listening, they are imitating, they are in awe of their dads, but being 14, they won’t always know how to express it. Sometimes parenting seems a thankless task, where one can’t see the forest for the trees. You wonder if you are doing any good at all. I am here to tell you that you are! Your children see and hear everything, and they tell the lucky Confirmation teacher all about you and make her shed a tear sometimes. I just thought you should know.
“For this reason, I bow my knees before the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, for Whom every family in heaven and on earth is named - that Father from whom all fatherhood takes it title and derives its name." (Ephesians 3:14-21)
Amen.
Denise Trull is the editor in chief of Sostenuto, an online journal for writers and thinkers of every kind to share their work with each other. Her own writing is also featured regularly at Theology of Home, and has appeared in Dappled Things. She also can be found at her Substack, The Inscapist. Denise is the mother of seven grown, adventurous children and has acquired the illustrious title of grandmother. She lives with her husband Tony in St. Louis, Missouri.